Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! How DELICIOUS – It's every character you find in an 18th-century period film!

(Yes, I just saw The Favourite. I had a very good time! Emma Stone has a wonderfully rubber-y Betty Boop face and watching her silently book it out of a castle after accidentally learning what lesbianism was made me laugh.)

Red-Faced Female Cook With Historically Significant Bosoms

  • always saying “But Milady, there is no time” while clutching a turnip and being interrupted

  • Cockney accent even if the movie predates Cockney accents or is set hundreds of miles away from London

  • terrifying for the first 20 minutes of the movie, then flour-caked and impotent afterwards as the protagonist scales up

  • almost has the largest and most dominant breasts in the film

  • either brushing back frizzy curls from behind a white cap while kneading shortcrust or brandishing an eel in anger at someone hot and stupid and poor

Be-Lipsticked Fop Man Whose Feminine Presentation Belies Vicious Misogyny

  • always simpering and twirling a handkerchief and laughing through a closed mouth

  • is currently kicking you viciously down a flight of stairs

  • claims to be the only chance of survival you have in this viper’s nest

  • most likely to be guilty of villainous eating

  • always calling upsetting stuff “delicious,” definitely the first one to say anything after a painful or terrifying silence

  • at some point shown without his wig and then becomes irrelevant to the plot once his borrowed finery has been exposed

  • if anyone’s gonna fall in a fountain it’s definitely this guy

Lipstick Guy’s Friend Who Dresses Super Masc But Is Equally Misogynist

  • has on like a tricorn hat or something

  • makes you wonder, wait, why are these two guys who are clearly from the same social background, both live at court, both part of the government so WILDLY different in terms of dress and no one comments on it? It feels like if you and your best friend went to the same elite college and one of you dressed like a field hockey player (slightly preppy/upscale/sporty) and the other one dressed like a furry 24/7, people would notice

  • also an asshole but lacks style, can’t read the room

Baronness von Letterpocket

  • spiritually wearing an eyepatch

  • probably stealing stuff out of your room while you’re at church

  • walks faster when she’s holding a candelabra

  • mean to servants, I’m Hard Because I Have To Be

  • delicately slicing an apple while threatening you

The Belligerently Childish Monarch

  • Always clapping hands in excited glee over turnovers and mass French deaths

  • Champagne For My Sham Friends

  • Favorite person is whoever was in the room last, real Ralph Wiggum vibe

  • I want their four-poster bed as badly as I wanted Felicity’s four-poster American Girl Doll bed when my sister got it for her tenth birthday and I never will

A Scene Where Someone Rich Pisses Or Something

  • to remind you the past is gross and full of swears

Like Ninety Old Guys In Curly Chestnut Wigs

  • I assume they’re Parliament or Scotland

Aged Choirmaster

  • serves to illustrate the difference between effete and effeminate against the fop dude

  • always bowing and apologizing to someone sotto voce

  • way too easily disgraced

  • eyebrows trembling in bushy sorrow

  • no one who loves Refinement and Accomplishment can know real happiness in this court of vampires

  • Tragic Squidward

That One Lady

  • starts showing up a lot halfway through

  • usually pushing her food around during a Dissipated Banquet Sequence or smiling when she’s not supposed to be during a concert

  • seems to be some fan of period films who won a walk-on, no idea what she’s doing, just has a real 20th-century face for some reason

Eyebrows The Horsewoman

  • probably Keira Knightley, definitely wearing a hat and chafing against some sort of stricture

  • everyone in the 18th century was a horse girl by virtue of everyone having horses but somehow manages to be a horse girl even then

Minister Spooky Ring

  • has a spooky ring or carries a necklace with a big gold chain at the end

  • maybe both

“I Seen’d It” Chambermaid

  • oh, she seen’d it

  • what you did

  • she saw it all, mum

  • definitely has red hair

A Corresponding Bible Verse For Every Moira Rose Quote From "Schitt's Creek"

Moira Rose is television’s greatest achievement. This is mine. (Extremely David voice: “There’s only so much I can do in a day.)

David: How can a moth get into a triple locked titanium suitcase?
Moira: The perils of owning cashmere.

Matthew 6:19-21

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

***

Stevie: There's a bunch of pictures of you with OJ Simpson. And you with Robert Blake.
Moira: "The top eleven photogoraphs of Moira Rose with future murder suspects." Well, that's not what I'm looking for.
Stevie: Why were you on a paddleboat with Phil Spector?
Moira: And doesn't he look good? That was the one time he let me play with his hair.

Proverbs 22:24-25

“Do not befriend an angry man, nor go with a hot-tempered man, or you may learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.”

***

Moira: Darling, I'm afraid you and I have arrived at an awkward moment in our parent/child relationship.
David: I'd argue that moment happens daily.
Moira: It seems there are some nude photographs of me on the internet and I would like you to search for them.
David: That's a real quick no. You can ask literally anyone else.
Moira: I tried to ask Stevie but her computer is several years old and apparently quite prudish. Someone has to find naked pictures of me. Better you than a stranger in a storm cellar.

Leviticus 18:6

None of you shall approach any one of his close relatives to uncover nakedness. I am the Lord. You shall not uncover the nakedness of your father, which is the nakedness of your mother; she is your mother, you shall not uncover her nakedness. 

***

Moira: It's like the episode of Sunrise Bay where I stole my own baby.

1 Kings 3:16-22

Now two women came to the king, and stood before him. And one woman said, “O my lord, this woman and I dwell in the same house; and I gave birth while she was in the house. Then it happened, the third day after I had given birth, that this woman also gave birth. And we were together; no one was with us in the house, except the two of us in the house. And this woman’s son died in the night, because she lay on him. So she arose in the middle of the night and took my son from my side, while your maidservant slept, and laid him in her bosom, and laid her dead child in my bosom. And when I rose in the morning to nurse my son, there he was, dead. But when I had examined him in the morning, indeed, he was not my son whom I had borne.”

Then the other woman said, “No! But the living one is my son, and the dead one is your son.”

And the first woman said, “No! But the dead one is your son, and the living one is my son.”

***

Moira: A heavy salad might as well as be a casserole.

Proverbs 15:17

“Better a dinner of herbs where love is than a stalled calf and hatred therewith.”

***

Moira: [singing in a foreign language over Islands in the Stream]

Acts 2:16-18

“And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men and women shall see visions, and your old men and women shall dream dreams.”

***

Roland: Before you say no-
Moira: No.

Matthew 5:37 

But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’”

***

Moira: I know all about being left in a lurch for a fundraiser. Eva Longoria and I were supposed to perform our ventriloquist act for the Everybody Knows Benefit for Juvenile Rhinoplasty when she suddenly drops out due to "exhaustion." I had to be both puppet and puppeteer.

2 Samuel 16:17

“And Absalom said to Hushai, ‘Is this your loyalty to your friend? Why did you not go with your friend?’”

***

Moira: Alexis, don’t be ridiculous. That’s exactly the kind of paranoia that makes me wary of spending time with you.

Genesis 16:11-13

The Angel of the LORD proceeded: “Behold, you have conceived and will bear a son. And you shall name him Ishmael, for the LORD has heard your cry of affliction. He will be a wild donkey of a man, and his hand will be against everyone, and everyone’s hand against him; he will live in hostility toward all his brothers.”

***

Moira: What? Ewww! I assume you’ve shaved her head. And we have to put a wig on her. But not one of my wigs! These have to be boxed now!

1 Corinthians 11:15

“If a woman has long hair, it is a glory to her: for her hair is given her for a covering.”

***

Moira: When one of us shines, all of us shine. That is the meaning of ensemble.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

“Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But woe to him who is alone when he falls,
For he has no one to help him up.
Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;
But how can one be warm alone?

***

Moira: We need to get ahead of this, Stevie. We must craft the perfect spin that both proclaims I'm not dead and explains why I've been found here. We'll tell them you brainwashed me.
Stevie: Could you tell then someone else brainwashed you?
Moira: A cult. Our family joined a cult. There was a charismatic leader, fortysomething, very sexual, had very long hair, longer than you'd expect, but it worked.

Romans 6:3-11

“Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with,[a] that we should no longer be slaves to sin— because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.

Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God. In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.”

Potential Names For My Short-Lived Queer Suiting Company That Will Fold Under Mysterious Circumstances Eight Months After Launching

If there’s one thing I know to be true in this world, it’s that anytime I click on an article that says something like “Five AWESOME Companies Making Androgynous/Non-Binary/Genderfluid/Queer-Bodied Suits for the Butch/Masc-of-Center/TenderBlenderBabyBoi In Your Life,” if said article is more than half a year old, fully half of those links will be dead and the companies in question will be decisively, yet mysteriously, out of existence. (With the exception of Bindle and Keep, it would seem; may their doors never close.) I don’t quite know why this is! My guess is that it’s a relatively small client base, suits are generally kind of expensive, especially if you want a custom fit, and the butch/stud/transmasculine/et al market covers a lot of different body types. But that doesn’t stop us from launching another round every couple of years, because hope and ignorance of markets spring eternal (see The Toast). RIP in advance to the following startups:

  • St. Nattigan’s

  • Natty Bumppit

  • SnapBaxx

  • Dapper Snapper Dipper Dancer

  • Dapper Keeper

  • Dappy Pappy’s Old-Time Suit Emporium

  • Best Butch Forward

  • Scamps and Radigans

  • Dindle Swinburnes

  • The Nycely-Dressed Boi

  • Jackfruit London

  • Spiff’s Sprockets & Suiting

  • Baggy Snazz

  • Fin

  • Uncle Daddy’s Fun Boy Shirts

  • The Bandbox

  • Spiffy Lube

  • Nimble Hector

  • Stretch Valiant

  • Huckward

You can even make your own! Choose from the following:

Birth Month

January: Tousled

February: Swank

March: Gallant

April: Wingtip

May: Jaunt

June: Risky

July: Wolf

August: Lava

September: Turquoise

October: Melancholy

November: Juniper

December: Icicle

Don’t forget to include an ampersand!

Day of the week you were born

Sunday: Hermit

Monday: Wanderer

Tuesday: Skipper

Wednesday: Bird Shirt

Thursday: Ranger

Friday: Snapback

Saturday: Huntsman

Bonus Names: Spruce & Swagger, Juice & Venture, Prank & Prayer Hands, Perk & Cuff, Shipshape & Pin, Modern Bootheart, Spindrift & Clutch, T-Minus Five And Counting, Swelltrim, Ginger & Romp

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