The Shatner Chatner

Lieutenant, you would do me an enormous favor if you stopped calling me sir.

A Substack newsletter by Daniel Ortberg

Lieutenant, you would do me an enormous favor if you stopped calling me sir.

Why It's Impossible For You To Ruin The Holidays

  • “Ah, you’ve forever ruined Thursdays for me, Jeremy. Not merely this particular Thursday, but the very idea of Thursdays, and each and sundry Thursday forevermore shall be ruined as a result of today’s ruination.”

  • “Thérèse, you’ve ruined 3:00pm, possibly forever. 3:00am still safe from your machinations, but when it comes to the third postmeridian hour – tainted, all because you refused to make green bean casserole.”

  • “Early evening! The mere idea of the early evening is hateful to me now, thanks to your selfish insistence on living in your own house.”

  • “How can I ever enjoy Arbor Day again? I shall always remember the pain of this Arbor Day, and your hatefulness.”

  • “Not just holidays, but holiday making – not just this holiday, but the concept of merriness in general – not just celebrations, but formal sit-down meals – all joy is fled from them. Our children, and our children’s children, will find turkey and ham changed to ashes in their mouths, because of you; you have condemned my grandchildren to a life of hamlessness, or at the very least seriously diminished ham-enjoying capacity. I hope you’re happy, Andrea, or at the very least I hope you’re prepared to provide a ham replacement for this family by way of an apology.”

  • “You’ve ruined the opening weekend of Creed II. Don’t just apologize to me, apologize to Michael B. Jordan and the cast and crew, both above and below the line, of the sequel to Creed, including the original cast of the Rocky series.”

  • “Well, that’s federal post office holidays ruined forever, thanks to you, Wrenelope. Every time I pass a post office closed on a Monday, I shall suffer, and it shall be at your instigation.”

  • “This is a Take Your Daughter To Work Day none of us will ever forget. Your particular brand of selfishness has marred all future Take Your Daughter To Work Days for me – has marred not just work but the very idea of having a daughter, much less taking her anywhere – in future I will never take my daughters anyplace. I will have perfectly stationary daughters from here to hereafter, and the fault is wholly yours.”

  • “Because you have made me upset on this Friday the thirteenth, it stands to reason that you have ruined the very concept of Friday the thirteenth, because Friday the thirteenth as an institution – qua Friday the thirteenth – depends upon my never having felt upset even once.”

  • “I can’t believe you’ve ruined late lunches.”

  • “How like you, Gareth, to destroy, possibly forever, Wednesday mornings. Never again will I enjoy one.”

Lieutenant, you would do me an enormous favor if you stopped calling me sir.