Hi, Thirsty – I'm God

The tags for Wikipedia’s Dad Joke article are:

Fatherhood | Humor | Jokes | Pejorative

“Many dad jokes may be considered anti-jokes, deriving humor from an intentionally unfunny punchline.”

“Dad, I’m hungry.” “After this, Jesus, knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the Scriptures might be fulfilled, said, ‘I’m thirsty.’

“Hi, Hungry — I’m Dad.” And suddenly a voice came from heaven, saying, ‘Hi, Thirsty — I’m God.’”

—John 19:28

“What man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?”

— Matthew 7:8-9 

After this, Jesus, knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the Scriptures might be fulfilled, said, “I’m thirsty.”

And suddenly an arm reached down from Heaven, saying, “Here, have a nice refreshing cola,” and presented a can before Jesus’ mouth. But he could not open it, fastened to the cross, so it was that the pious woman known as Berenike was moved to pity and popped the tab for him. A whole mess of spring-loaded snakes popped out.

A voice from heaven then said, “Enough kidding around. Here, have some water-and-vinegar, to refresh your thirst, for you are My beloved son, in whom I am well pleased. You’re being such a champ today. You’ve earned this,” and lowered a fine glass, all covered in etchings marvelous to behold, to Jesus’ lips. But behold — each time Our Savior attempted to drink from the wondrous cup, the water dribbled out through the etchings themselves, staining His fine linen shirt.

“I’m worried My son has a drinking problem,” said the voice from heaven. “I will let this cup pass from him for the unbeatably low price of $19.99.”

The voice continued: “Maybe a nice loaf of bread would be easier. Would you like a loaf of bread, My son?”

And Jesus said to him, “I’m not hungry, but I could eat.”

With those words, a great number of stones whizzed down from heaven, some striking the wood of the cross before falling in the dirt, and some landing directly on Jesus’ arms and face.

“Behold the bread of life,” said the voice from heaven. “Whoever comes to Him shall never hunger, and any who believe in Him shall never thirst.” The rocks kept on coming, fast and thick, until there was darkness all over the earth, and even the sun was darkened. “Stop hitting yourself,” the voice commanded.

Then the crowd said to Him, “Lord, give us this bread always.”

“Sorry, we don’t serve food here,” said the voice. “What do you call a mermaid on a roof?”


David and Absalom Take A Father-Son Road Trip

When David was a little past the top of the mountain, there was Ziba the servant of Mephibosheth, who met him with a couple of saddled donkeys, and on them two hundred loaves of bread, one hundred clusters of raisins, one hundred summer fruits, and a skin of wine. And the king said to Ziba, “What do you mean to do with these?”

So Ziba said, “The donkeys are for the king’s household to ride on, the bread and summer fruit for the young men to eat, and the wine for those who are faint in the wilderness to drink….”

When David had come to Mahanaim, that Shobi the son of Nahash from Rabbah of the people of Ammon, Machir the son of Ammiel from Lo Debar, and Barzillai the Gileadite from Rogelim, brought beds and basins, earthen vessels and wheat, barley and flour, parched grain and beans, lentils and parched seeds, honey and curds, sheep and cheese of the herd, for David and the people who were with him to eat. For they said, “The people are hungry and weary and thirsty in the wilderness.”

— 2 Samuel 16:1-2; 27-28

Then the king said to his sons, “We’re not stopping until we reach the woods of Ephraim. We’ve got plenty of food at home.”

So the king stood beside the gate, and all the people went out by hundreds and by thousands. Now the king had commanded Joab, Abishai, and Ittai, saying, “Deal gently for my sake with the young man Absalom.” And it so happened that as he said this, the king, David, was struck with a mote in his left eye, such that he had to blink rapidly to flush it out.

“Did you mark how the king winked at us when he said to deal gently with his son Absalom, for his sake?” Joab asked his fellows outside the tent.

“Did you mark how he said we had plenty of food at home? What did we come all this way for, if only to eat the same things we could have eaten in the palace?” said Abishai.

“I hear Barzillai has brought honey and curds all the way from Rogelim,” said Ittai. “The king was definitely winking.”

As Absalom rode out to the field of battle, he went on a mule, which went under the thick boughs of a great terebinth tree, and his head, from which hung the loveliest and heaviest hair in all of Israel, hair that Absalom prized more dearly than the most beautiful woman her maidenhood, caught in the terebinth. Absalom was left hanging between heaven and earth, beautifully.

When Joab David’s general came upon Absalom, he took three spears in his hand, and thrust them through Absalom’s heart, while he was still alive in the tangles of the terebinth tree. He rode onto David’s camp and shouted to the king, “There is good news, my lord! For the Lord has avenged you this day of all those who rose against you.”

And the king said anxiously, “Is the young man Absalom safe?”

So Joab answered, “May all the enemies of my lord the king, and all who rise against you to do harm, be exactly as safe as that young man!”

Then the king said, “Oh no, this is terrible, what an awful mistake, Joab my dearest friend, you have misunderstood me entirely — oh, what a mix-up, I never meant to wink at you — if only I were dead instead of my son, my son, Absalom, I can’t believe that he’s dead, this is the last thing I wanted, he was so alive and full of hair, how could this have happened—”

And Abishai ventured, “As long as we’re all here, and the deed done, my lord, about those curds and honey from Robelim…?”

“We have food at home,” David said sharply. “Must I repeat everything?”

[Image via]

BCC Everyone: Please Take A Moment To Sign This Important Pledge Promising You're Not Mad At Me

BCC Everyone:

Please take a moment to sign this important pledge promising you’re not mad at me. Thank you for your time.

BCC Everyone:

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for the great turnout yesterday. It really meant a lot to get to see! But the fight continues. Please take a moment to sign this pledge promising that you’re not mad at me today.

BCC Everyone:

Me again — it’s so inspiring to see how many of you have signed both pledges. Thank you! Hopefully you can carry that energy into today’s pledge, which is also about promising that you’re not mad at me, and the supplementary pledge that today’s pledge hasn’t made you mad at me for the first time even though you weren’t mad at me yesterday. Also, some of you have not yet signed either pledge. That’s fine, we do understand that time is at a premium for everyone these days, but we do ask that you sign all three (plus today’s supplemental Pledge B) at your earliest convenience.

BCC Everyone:

One of you raised a great point yesterday, asking whether it might be possible to send out a sort of rolling pledge that incorporates all past and future assurances that you’re not mad at me, whereby each signatory could put down their name in a sort of “once and for all” fashion, which would save us all a lot of time and energy in the long run, not to mention reduce the likelihood that sending out daily pledge reminders might not in fact make a great deal many more people mad at me than would have gotten mad otherwise.

It’s a great idea! But I’m afraid it just doesn’t scale. It’s got to be an assurance a day. I promise you, if I could bring the number of pledges down any further, I would — it’s a lot of work for me too. So please do sign today’s pledge as usual. Or, as always, you can spontaneously text or call just to say, “Hey, I’m leading my ordinary life today not being mad at you,” which is just as good. But if you do call, you should also text, because sometimes I forgot who’s called and who hasn’t. Thanks in advance.

BCC Everyone:

I’m trying to respond to everyone in a timely fashion, so please bear with me; obviously there’s a lot to get through. In the meantime, please sign as usual.

BCC Everyone:

[Out of office reply] Please just take a moment to sign this important pledge promising you’re not mad at me. Thank you for your time.

BCC Everyone:

Here’s the thing: It’s 30 seconds out of your day, but it saves me from having to tailor a unique response to 372 emails with various suggestions, and most importantly, allows me to get on with my day knowing that none of you have suddenly become mad at me. That’s a lot less time than however long it would take me to cultivate the emotional resilience and sense of reciprocity to get on with my day without constant reassurances from everyone I’ve ever met, including people I am myself mad at, or whose opinions I generally hold in contempt, that they are not mad at me.

BCC Everyone:

It’s not supposed to be reciprocal. Just sign the pledge!! I’m allowed to get mad at some of you sometimes because I know how to contextualize it in the broader sweep of our relationship, but if you get mad at me, I don’t know how big your mad is, or whether it overshadows the fact that — and I’m sorry to bring this up, but it looks like I kind of have to — I’ve been through a lot, even by the standards of the last year and a half. Are my Publicly-Available Trauma Bucks still good here, or did I already redeem the last of them? I should have budgeted, I realize, but I kept forgetting to look up the exchange rate.

BCC Everyone:

No one is allowed to be mad of me because it’s like the rainforest, you know, where all the different layers of the rainforest and all the different creatures are totally interdependent, so the death of one tree is the death of all, or something, and in order for the rainforest of me to thrive I need assurances from every single one of you that you are not mad at me. Just say it! Why won’t you just say it? And if it’s that easy, why can’t you just say it every day?

BCC Everyone:

I don’t care if you hate me, I just need you to sign it. We don’t ever have to speak again; I don’t give a shit about you and you can fuck off to wherever afterwards, but you’re going to sign this goddamn pledge before you part forever. Is that what resilience feels like?

Against Timarchus

Full text of Against Timarchus here.

When Aeschines, one of the ten Attic orators and member of the peace embassy dispatched to Philip of Macedon, was accused by Demosthenes and Timarchus of intriguing against Athens on behalf of the same, his defense before the Assembly was swift and straightforward: “Timarchus can’t accuse anyone of betraying Athens, because I heard he’s a fucking skank.”

It worked. Timarchus was stripped of citizenship and vanished from public life, while Aeschines went on to commission the Fourth Sacred War under Philip’s aegis, found a school of rhetoric, and eventually retire to the winemaking island of Samos, where he died well into his seventies. Being a dizzy little bitch who hates fun pays off sometimes.

Gentlemen and themtlemen! You know I never have a bad word to say about anyone. It’s probably the second-best-known thing about me, my quiet and peaceful approach to conflict. If I were to guess what the first-best-known thing about me is, I honestly couldn’t even begin to guess, because I just don’t think about human relationships in that way, you know? But this isn’t about me, which is such a relief, because I’m so uncomfortable when things are about me, so I’m really glad to be able to say that this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with Athens. It’s the city I’m here to talk about, not me. Honestly, if I could talk about the city without being here at all, like if there was some way I could talk without talking, or being myself, or being in any way perceived by all of you, I would do that. But as I already said, this isn’t about me, so even though it makes me really uncomfortable to address you all publicly like this, I don’t even care, my discomfort at being the center of attention is just not as important as the dignity and safety of Athens, which always comes first, at least for me, and I hope for you guys, haha!

God!! Athens! Athens, you know? It’s just like — Athens! Okay? Like, what does that even mean, but also, it kind of means everything, right? It says it all. Athens!! I just think, for me personally, that Athens is so important, especially for all of us as Athenians, which I truly believe that we are, every one of us in our own very special way, that it would be such a shame if Athens ever came to harm because someone among us was representing themselves as a friend to Athens when in actual fact, like in honest-to-God real life, in a very tangible way, they were not a friend to Athens, and were actually making her look bad to other people, Macedonians for example.

And I’m just going to come out and say it, which is that this so-called “friend,” this person who has actually really done a lot of damage to Athens, is, I’m sorry to say, but it’s Timarchus. I don’t even care that he’s trying to hurt me, because I’m just whatever, but insofar as I am a representative of Athens, a legitimate member of her assemblies and jury pools, a member of the greater Athenian body, that’s the issue here, not me, personally, Aeschines. You know me, you know I absolutely do not hold grudges or even care what happens to this bag of meat that I call my “body.” But I do care, like really care, about my friends, and I honestly do consider Athens a friend. I really do. And when someone hurts her? Okay, then it’s like, let’s go. So let’s go.

I know this is probably not the first time some of you have heard about Timarchus. If I were to guess, I’d say you probably have been hearing a lot of really troubling shit about him over the years, because I’ve been hearing it too, even though I never passed it along or said anything about him myself. But like, you guys, you guys, we live in a democracy, right? Like we live in a society, yes, but more importantly a democratic society, so we have laws and rules and so on, and we do ask of our citizens a certain commitment to excellence that not just anybody can abide by. And I don’t think we should have to apologize for having high standards. Do you? Okay, good, I’m really glad to hear that. Honestly, I’m really relieved to hear that, because I was worried it was going to be just me, but I’m so glad that we can all agree that if someone violates those laws, or doesn’t live up to our admittedly very high standards (but that’s why Athens is so great, you guys, and just to throw this in for detail, I don’t want to get too far off topic but I do think it’s important, I also think this is why it’s actually completely fair to consider Macedonia like fully Greek, like absolutely there’s a shared commitment to Athenian values, which is why I sometimes call Macedonia Athens II, just for short), but our very high standards, then they should just like….they should just go! Away, and have to live somewhere else, and I don’t even care where, like be well, okay, be safe and healthy, good fortune go with you, I absolutely wish you the best wherever your journey takes you, but you just cannot stay here, because everyone here is already pulling their weight and frankly doing more than their fair share to begin with.

You are all probably aware that prostitution — sorry, “sex work,” I mean I want to be as nice about this as I can, and it’s perfectly fine to do sex work, that’s a totally legitimate option if that’s all you want out of life, I’ve known some really great prostitutes who I would absolutely invite to a dinner party if the vibe was right, but it’s not like being a judge, or a general, I think we can all admit that — is not a compatible side gig for an Athenian citizen, right? We actually have a full, actually-written-down law about that. If you’re, like….I don’t know, a really friendly Thracian of uncertain parentage and you want to be like a fun courtesan, you should go for it and really with my blessing, but it’s just not appropriate for a freeborn man of Athens tasked with safeguarding our citizenry. Right? You have to pick one. You can be a sex worker all you want, God bless, but then you have to stick with that, and you can’t try to become one of the nine archons, or apply to the priesthood, or hold office.

So don’t you think it’s kind of fucked up that Timarchus had the gall to address this assembly as a citizen of Athens even though he absolutely fucked for cash when he was in medical school? Like don’t you think the fact that he lied to us all about it is also a problem? We probably could have made an exception for him if he just asked. But he didn’t ask. It’s honestly not even the sex work, for me personally that causes the problem, but that he lied about it, because it like begs the question — ahaha sorry, that was just a little joke for some of you rhetoricians — it like raises the question of what else has he lied about? Also I know a lot of you were really uncomfortable last week when he took his cloak off during his address, like we were all just in the gymnasium or something, like it was no big deal, and we shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable when we’re just trying to assemble.

To be clear, I’m not trying to shame Timarchus by bringing all of this old shit up, even though a lot of it isn’t even that old. Partly because I’m honestly not even sure he can feel shame? Like I just don’t think he registers emotions on that scale, at all. So it’s not even worth it. But also I don’t want to make a big deal out of this. I just want us all to agree to abide by the rules we already agreed on!

I’m not going to name any other names, by the way, because I don’t think it’s necessary and I really don’t want to upset any of you by overloading you with details, but the whole time Timarchus was allegedly down in Peiraeus “attending medical school” he was just slutting it up for cash, fully on purpose. And actually I will name one name, come to think of it, just for the purposes of illustration, which is that Misgolas — you know, Naucrates’ son? I could swear I saw him in the back a minute ago, but maybe he’s not here — absolutely picked him up. He even gave Timarchus extra to move in with him, like, I guess to save time because he was paying him for sex so much.

I knoooow! Ahahhaa! Anyways I only mention Misgolas’ name because other than this one thing Misgolas is normally a totally honorable and upright guy, truly almost beyond reproach except for being a john who can’t get a grip on his compulsive sexual behavior, so if Timarchus can bring that out in him, who knows what else he’s been up to!

I can’t really get into why I know this, but I do happen to know for a fact that Timarchus already had enough money to finish medical school at this point, so he just was like…again, being a total slut for cash but he didn’t even need the cash, which is so fucked up. Right? Sorry, am I an asshole for saying that, or like…is what I’m saying kind of true? I think it’s kind of true! He just like, loved it, I guess, being a full-time skank, way more than he loves, like, studying, or medicine, or self-respect, or his family, or his reputation, or behaving like an Athenian. Which, good for you, that you found what you love I guess, more power to you, but please don’t pretend to also want to be an Athenian when you really love something else more, because that’s actually offensive to those of us who really do love Athens and would never fuck old guys for cash. Oh, and have lunch with straight-up foreign people in lodging-houses, like just eating whatever with whomever at any time, for any reason, no rules. During a procession!!!

Anyhow, it’s fine if not, but if Misgolas is here, and he’s comfortable coming forward right now and signing this affidavit I’ve prepared here, and actually just fill in this blank section here, because I left the section blank that details what, specifically, Misgolas actually used to do to Timarchus physically, because I felt like it wasn’t really appropriate for me to write it down, both because it’s not my story to tell and also because I feel like as someone who would never do that, I shouldn’t have to be the one to describe it. So if you are here, Misgolas, if you could just scoot past everyone and come up to the front and write that down before you sign it real quick, I think we could wrap this up today, which would be ideal, because I’m actually getting a little grossed out just thinking about it. Or if you don’t want to come to the front, that’s fine, and I’ll just deal with my own feelings and describe it out loud for everyone. I don’t want to, but again, today is not about me. And I know a couple of guys who would be really happy to testify, I could grab them real fast.

[Misgolas, son of Nicias, of Piraeus, testifies. “Timarchus, who once used to stay at the house of Euthydicis the physician, became intimate with me, and I hold him today in the same esteem as in all my past acquaintance with him.”]

Just to be clear, if Misgolas was the only guy that Timarchus had slutted it up for, I might not even say anything, because as gross as that is, at least there’d be a kind of fucked-up loyalty to it, and I really do try not to judge other people, even if they do lie about being medical students just so they can get an old man’s rocks off. But you guys. He wasn’t! Ahhhh, I know I said I wasn’t gonna name names, but just real quick, also there was Cedonides, Autocleides, and Thersandrus. You guys!! You can’t encourage this kind of thing, okay? I mean, whatever, it’s fine, I get it, nobody’s perfect and I love you guys to death I really do, all is forgiven, but I’m honestly really worried about Timarchus, it honestly seems compulsive, I don’t even know if he was having a good time or if he was just on some sort of skank autopilot. Also Anticles! I mean, even for a port-city sex worker, that’s like….I’m sorry, but do you really have no standards? Like how do we know he wasn’t also doing this for non-Athenians?

Anyway. There’s like a ton of worse stuff I could absolutely tell you about, but like I said I’m sure you’ve already heard most of it, and also I’m kind of freaking myself out just thinking about what a gross slut and honestly a liar Timarchus is. And it’s not a judgmental thing. It’s just that I think if he really loved Athens, like you and I and anyone normal, anyone regular, loves Athens, he wouldn’t have so much spare time and energy on his hands to go around loving every man with a few coins to rub together. Also I heard a couple of times he reneged on his contract with some really important citizens, men who are absolutely 100% deserving of respect and of getting their dicks sucked if you sign a dick-sucking agreement with them, so he’s also a thief too, I guess.

I don’t know, I guess compared to all of this I really just don’t think whatever I did or didn’t say to Philip of Macedon the last time we got together is very important. I mean, I can tell you one thing I didn’t say to him! I didn’t ask him to fuck me! I have too much respect for Athens’ natural ally and friend, Philip of Macedon, who’s only ever looked out for us, to do that. I don’t know, maybe that’s part of why Timarchus has such a weird grudge against him. Maybe he turned him down, and that’s what some of this is about? God, that would be so fucked up, if Timarchus was so completely lost to a sense of propriety that he asked the king of Macedon if he wanted to pay for a date. Like Philip would ever have to pay for a date!

Anyways, I’ll leave the rest for you all to decide. I’ve already spoken for way too long today, and I really don’t want to be in the spotlight. I just want to say that whatever you decide to do today, I really hope you can feel good about it when you go home and think about who’s allowed to have sex with whom, for example your wives, just for example, and what Athens might be like if all of a sudden we just had no rules about who was allowed to have sex for money and everyone just did whatever they want all the time. And that you’ll feel good about the example you’re setting for your kids, because kids are so much more perceptive than we give them credit for, but they’re also so easily led astray, and maybe they think Timarchus is really cool, you know, and that they want to be like him, so maybe that’s relevant if we’re thinking about whether Timarchus should be allowed to live in Athens anymore, where all of our kids can see him and follow his example. Whatever! You just let me know if you think our laws or important or not, and whatever you think, that’s fine by me.

Sorry to go on for so long!! I love sluts, I have nothing against sluts, I just think they should stay like in a very clearly-demarcated pre-agreed-upon slut area so nobody mixes them up for one of us? I don’t think that’s unreasonable, lmk if you agree!

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FROM THE MAKERS OF "TWO-MOM ENERGY DRINK," IT'S "LET YOUR FATHER DIE ENERGY DRINK," with Cecilia Corrigan

Previously in this series: Two-Mom Energy Drink.

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK: ALL THE ENERGY OF NOT TRYING TO STAND BETWEEN YOUR FATHER AND THE GRAVE

STOP TRYING TO GET HIM ON ONE OF THOSE MINDFULNESS APPS

IF HE WANTED TO TAKE YOUR SUGGESTIONS HE WOULD HAVE TAKEN THEM ALREADY

IT’S TOO LATE FOR THE BENEFITS OF BRAIN PLASTICITY

“LET YOUR FATHER DIE” ENERGY DRINK HAS ALL THE PEACEFUL RESIGNATION OF TÉA LEONI STANDING WITH HER FATHER ON THE BEACH AT THE END OF DEEP IMPACT

MUCH LIKE JODIE FOSTER DISCOVERS AT THE END OF CONTACT, YOUR DAD IS A HOLOGRAM CREATED BY ALIENS TO CREATE THE ILLUSION OF FAMILIARITY

TIRED OF TASTING YOUR DAD’S MEAT AT FEASTS TO CHECK FOR POISON? WITH “LET YOUR FATHER DIE” ENERGY DRINK, YOU DON’T HAVE TO!

“LET YOUR FATHER DIE” ENERGY DRINK IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN LITERALLY

YOURS MIGHT BE FINE

(HE ISN’T)

(YOU KNOW HE ISN’T)

(YOU’VE ALWAYS KNOWN HE ISN’T)

BUT HE MIGHT BE

IT HAPPENS

WE HEARD ABOUT IT ONE TIME

IN SWEDEN

STOP DRINKING FROM YOUR FATHER’S CUP TO MAKE SURE IT’S SAFE FOR HIM TO DRINK

LET HIM FIGURE IT OUT

ALL THE SMOOTH, REGULATED ENERGY THAT COMES FROM NOT TRYING TO OLIVIA POPE YOUR FATHER’S WHOLE THING

HE PROBABLY SOLVED HIS OWN PROBLEMS BEFORE YOU WERE BORN SO WHY NOT TAKE A NAP

WITH “LET YOUR DAD DIE” ENERGY DRINK YOU’LL FINALLY HAVE THE ENERGY YOU NEED TO FALL ASLEEP INSTEAD OF WAITING TO PASS OUT

LET YOUR FATHER DIE ENERGY DRINK, AVAILABLE NOW!

LET YOUR FATHER DIE ENERGY DRINK: STOP SCROLLING INSTAGRAM AT 3AM, HE DIDN’T LEAVE ANY MESSAGES FOR YOU THERE!

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK: DRINK FROM YOUR OWN CUP AT LEAST

STOP TELLING YOUR DAD YOU LOVE HIM MORE THAN SALT. START ALLOWING YOUR AVARICIOUS SISTERS GONERIL AND REGAN TO DETHRONE HIM.

LEAR KNEW WHAT CORDELIA MEANT THE WHOLE TIME AND SO DOES YOURS

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK: BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO SING ALONE LIKE BIRDS ‘I TH’ CAGE, ASKING ONE ANOTHER BLESSING AND KNEELING DOWN, LIVING AND PRAYING AND LAUGHING AT BUTTERFLIES WITH HIM

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK: BECAUSE YOUR BLOODLINE ENDS WITH YOU!!

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK: BECAUSE YOUR DAD THINKS A HAPPY ENDING IS ONE WHERE YOU LIVE FOREVER IN A CABINET WITH HIM AND A BIRD AND THAT’S A BAD IDEA FOR YOU

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK: THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT HAPPEN

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK: AGAIN, NOT LITERALLY!

IT’S JUST GOING TO HAPPEN SOMEDAY AND YOU SHOULD HUSBAND YOUR STRENGTH

SORRY, FATHER YOUR STRENGTH

SORRY, MOTHER YOUR FATHER

THE BUGS HAVE BEEN FIXED AND LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK APOLOGIZES FOR ANY DISTRESS OUR MOST RECENT MESSAGES MAY HAVE CAUSED

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK: WHEN WE SAY DAD WE MEAN THE CONCEPT

SORT OF

HOWEVER YOU HEAR IT

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK IS FULL OF NATURALLY RESTORATIVE INGREDIENTS, LIKE SETTING HIS TEXTS TO “DO NOT DISTURB” AND GREEN TEA EXTRACT

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK: ONE CAN IS THE EQUIVALENT OF THREE YEARS OF AL-ANON MEETINGS!

NONE OF THE JITTERS THAT COME FROM MANAGING THE DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENTS HE DOESN’T GO TO ANYWAY

UNSEE THAT EMAIL YOU ACCIDENTALLY SAW WHEN YOU WERE FIFTEEN: IT NEVER HAPPENED!

“LET YOUR DAD DIE” ENERGY DRINK HAS THE SAME EFFECTS ON COGNITIVE PERFORMANCE AS A CUP OF MEDIUM-ROAST LOW-ACID COFFEE OR NOT APOLOGIZING FOR SOMETHING HE SAID TO SOMEONE ELSE AFTER HE’S OUT OF EARSHOT AND CAN’T GET MAD AT YOU FOR APOLOGIZING FOR SOMETHING HE ISN’T SORRY HE SAID

DADS LOVE IT: LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK

*”LET YOUR DAD DIE” ENERGY DRINK HAS NOT STUDIED DAD RESPONSES TO LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK BECAUSE IT WOULDN’T CHANGE OUR MARKETING STRATEGIES OR OUR RECIPE ANYWAYS

PLUS WE’RE GOING TO HEAR WHAT HE SAID THROUGH OUR OLDER SISTER ANYWAYS

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK: HE’S NOT ACTUALLY OKAY TO DRIVE

DRIVING IS ACTUALLY NEVER OKAY BUT ESPECIALLY THE WAY HE DOES IT

YOUR FATHER’S COMMITMENT TO DRIVING IS INFORMALLY REFERRED TO AROUND OUR OFFICES AS “THE REAL DEATH DRIVE” BY THE WAY

LYDD: HE KNOWS LOTS OF OTHER PEOPLE WHO HAVE GOTTEN THAT FELLOWSHIP

LYDD: YOUR FATHER KNOWS A LOT OF PEOPLE

YOUR FATHER HAS A LOT OF FRIENDS

YOUR FATHER HAS AN ENTIRE TEAM OF ALLIES, CRONIES, AND UNDERBUTLERS TO SOLVE HIS PROBLEMS FOR HIM

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY A GENEROUS DONATION FROM THE MIKAELA PETERSON FOUNDATION

LET YOUR DAD DIE: IT’S FINE

IT’S FINE

IT’S WHAT HE DID TO HIS DAD

IT’S WHAT HE WOULD DO FOR YOU

WHO FIRED THAT SHOT AT HIS COUNTRY HOUSE DURING A WEEKEND SHOOTING PARTY? NOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE, BOYO

THEY HAVE DETECTIVES FOR THAT

DETECTIVES ARE ON YOUR FATHER’S TAIL EVEN AS WE SPEAK

THE DETECTIVES TOLD US TO TELL YOU THEY SAID “DON’T CROWD ME”

LET SOMEONE ELSE PUT YOUR PARANOIA TO GOOD USE

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK IS COMMITTED TO HELPING COLLEGE STUDENTS, CORPORATE EXECUTIVES, AND PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES ESTABLISH THE SENSE OF FREEDOM THAT CAN ONLY COME FROM ACCEPTING YOUR FATHER’S MORTALITY AND THE LIMITS OF YOUR OWN INTERVENTION

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK IS CONTRAINDICATED WITH ALCOHOL….WINK

WE CANNOT RECOMMEND WINK THAT YOU MIX WINK LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK WINK WITH ALCOHOL WINK

BUT OF COURSE WE CAN’T TELL YOU WHAT TO DO

WE’RE NOT YOUR MOM OR ANYTHING

TIRED OF BEING “A LITTLE OVER-SENSITIVE”? TRY LYDD ENERGY DRINK!

TIRED OF “REMEMBERING THINGS”? TRY OUR NEW DRAGONFRUIT EDITION, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT”

ARE YOU SURE YOUR BROTHER WOULDN’T LIKE TO TRY BEING THE OVER-SENSITIVE ONE FOR A CHANGE? TRY LYDD ENERGY DRINK FOR LASTING EFFECTS!

FEEL AS WELL-RESTED AND ENERGIZED AS YOUR FATHER’S MOTHER DOES: SHE DOESN’T REMEMBER THAT EITHER

SHE’S NOT WORRIED ABOUT A GODDAMN THING WE HERE AT LYDD CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH

SHE’S GOT A PLAN AND SHE HAS NEVER SECOND-GUESSED ANYTHING THAT YOUR FATHER HAS DONE

HE’S WHAT MADE HER A MOTHER

YOU’RE JUST SOME PUNK KID

YOU’RE JUST SOME FUCKING NOBODY. WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY SON’S GRAVE?

OUR ETHICALLY SOURCED PASSIONFRUIT FLAVOR INCLUDES GUARANINE, GINKGO, AND ZERO CHANCE OF TAKING A BULLET FOR YOUR FATHER

IT’S AN ACQUIRED TASTE

BUT YOU PROBABLY ALREADY HAVE IT

YOU’VE ALREADY INHERITED A LOT OF THINGS.

NO GODS, NO MASTERS, JUST A REFRESHING BURST OF FRESH CITRUS FLAVOR. LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK

LET YOUR DAD DIE ENERGY DRINK: YOU NEVER REALLY HAD A CHOICE, BUT WE WILL LET YOU CHOOSE BETWEEN ORANGINA, ACAI BURST, AND FRUTTA DI BOSCO IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER

BUT DON’T GET ANY BRIGHT IDEAS ABOUT TRYING TO DO IT YOURSELF. HE’LL SEE IT COMING. YOU’RE ONLY ALIVE AND IN THIS WORLD BECAUSE HE ANTICIPATED YOU. YOUR DAD’S DEATH BELONGS TO SOMEONE HIS OWN SIZE AND YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE WEIGHT

JUST LET HIM GO INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT WHENEVER THE TIME COMES

WE HEAR IT’S ACTUALLY PRETTY GENTLE

[Image via]

writer actress & elemental @ceciliakcecilia, most recently found playing a comedian werewolf in podcast The Bite.

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