Untitled Molt Game: I am the horrible bug that lives in the town

Originally: The Metamorphosis. Previously (and almost a year to the day!): I am the horrible goose that lives in the town.

“I am the horrible creeping bag of sound that is the most worst to you! I will use my beak to mischief you and I will press B. I wobble my snake-front-body and I waggle my bag-back-body and they meet in the middle to plan a bad idea to upset you. I flap back and forth my business rear for balancing and I snapple-pap my feet all up and down the town for terrible reasons, and you don’t like it. I am the goose and you are the miserable boy with no honk. I invented my body and it was the best idea.”

I am the horrible creeping bag of sound that is the most worst to you! I will use my stiff arched segments to mischief you and I will press cut Venus in Furs out of a magazine. I wobble my snake-front-body and I waggle my brown-belly-back-body and they meet in the middle to plan a bad idea to upset you. I flap back and forth my business rear for balancing and I snackle-kek my feet all up and down the walls for terrible reasons, and you don’t like it. I am the bug and you are the miserable mother with no antennae. I invented my body and it was the worst idea.

Clack! Clack! I flap open my back in celebration when I make victory over the door, when I smash it from its lock, when I smash it down, when I undo all of your doing. Here I clack! I hold up all of my chitin and I make more layers of me, the bug that ends your family.

These are the keys that you do not have! I am flat and racing over the earth and you are all the way stood up, all the way confused, all the way chief clerk and no ideas. I make a fight between yourself and your memory. I wet your feet because I do not respect them, my legs are perfectly obedient, and I am leg-satisfaction.

Your breakfast room? I make it terrible! I make a puzzle of your room! I hustle up your newspapers and remove all the shoes for a punishment to you. Theft puts a parade into my walk, I am so proud to steal from you and your bad family, who are no good to me and are not bugs. I am the most bug who ever was, and I am enough bug for the whole house, because I am a little brown heartbeat that moves very fast, more fast than anything else, for surprises. See me rotate, slowly, for the exasperation of my father.

My business is the worst business and you have it. Here I come! I’ll take any big thing, small thing meant for hiding, widest thing, right in my jaws and hustle it away from your permission, because Gregor Samsa doesn’t agree with property and never has. Here I come again! Here i come, scrabbling for hours on the leather! You cannot anticipate me because your brain is so big and weighty and far from the ground, but my brain is fleet and small and ground-sure and I have all I need in my wicked bug-body, and also I have your radio.

Where is the father for me to disrespect? I am his least friend. I see his newspapers and I contempt them. I ruin his life! Breakfast for him? No! Shoelaces for him? No! I make every escape. I am the pest of his whole awful body but my body is so smooth and good. I am the idea that is Gregor! My body works. My body is the softest belly-pillow with an army-shell attached, strong and useful and all the way sweetheart. You need everything but I have it. I put my hiss in a jar so there is more hiss! I hiss at you, I hiss directly up to God, and I will never leave! You will never be well again, and I will trouble your chief clerk all of the time. I am all a triumph, I am the most successful bug, and you are misery with suffering and hopeless with loss. I have a beautiful dish of milk. I sneak your violin in my mouth, and now I have two mouths to hiss with, and you have nothing to say. There is a beautiful sofa for me to sneak under and your mouth is so, so empty, because you hate me, the great bug with a mouth, with a basin of water reserved for my own exclusive use, and a buttered roll. I am tremendous! Here I am coming, with the good news of me, and you hate it, and none of you want any breakfast. My sides are palpitating in collaboration to locomote forward!

No husband for Grete! No bug-body for my sister Grete! No more walking-stick for Mr. Samsa! Get rid of the furniture and make way for the skittling of me across the floor! I triumph on the ceiling with my many feet, and you sorrow on the floor with your only two feet, no valves!

You can think only of the violin and how much I have it, and you are never the bug Gregor. I will run around with my violin as much as I want and you will make despair. Here comes the bug! Here comes the violin bug! Everybody be awake to the bug now and from now on! You liked this house so much before the bug came and ironed over all of your peace, but I’ll bring tin-can-and-boot-trash into your bed and mouth. You’ll never be the bug, and I already am the bug, as most as a bug can be, all coiled up and ready to spring, stretching my young body and ending your journeys.

[Image via]

Bible Verses Best Paraphrased As "Hey, Is It Cool If I Bring My Boyfriend"

The moment you find yourself asking “Hey, is it cool if I bring my boyfriend?” you have already lost; you refer to him as “my boyfriend” because you know he couldn’t get in on the strength of his name alone, because if he were already welcome then you wouldn’t have to ask, and if they already knew him, you would have used his name. You have also capped the maximal possible warmth of your friends’ response at “I consent.” You know, already, that it is not exactly cool, but goddamnit if you don’t want him there, just the same. You motherfuckers can eat your goddamn hearts out. I’m getting mine. It is that particular combination of social shame and sexual pride that makes Can-my-boyfriend-come? one of the all-time great passive-aggressive gambits for the chaos agent committed to plausible deniability — How long can you keep that stupid smile on your face while I lick his?

Obviously they’re going to say yes. But who’s going to break first? And when’s your boyfriend going to figure out that he’s “my boyfriend” to them?

Genesis 18:23-33

And Abraham came near and said, “Would You also destroy the righteous with the wicked? Suppose there were fifty righteous within the city; would You also destroy the place and not spare it for the fifty righteous that were in it? Far be it from You to do such a thing as this, to slay the righteous with the wicked, so that the righteous should be as the wicked; far be it from You! Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?”

So the Lord said, “If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes.”

Then Abraham answered and said, “Indeed now, I who am but dust and ashes have taken it upon myself to speak to the Lord: Suppose there were five less than the fifty righteous; would You destroy all of the city for lack of five?”

So He said, “If I find there forty-five, I will not destroy it…

Then he said, “Let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak but once more: Suppose ten should be found there?”

And He said, “I will not destroy it for the sake of ten.” So the Lord went His way as soon as He had finished speaking with Abraham; and Abraham returned to his place.

// okay so what if I only brought ten of them with me

could i bring them then

i mean before you answer i do think it’s fair to acknowledge that you JUST said you would leave them alone if i had 20 boyfriends

so like do bear that in mind //

Exodus 13:19

And Moses took the bones of Joseph with him, for he had placed the children of Israel under solemn oath, saying, “God will surely visit you, and you shall carry up my bones from here with you.”

// everybody just hang tight, my skeleton boyfriend wants to come too

it’ll take ten extra seconds? at most?? and also I promised him that he could come?? and all my alive boyfriends are already coming so it’s really weird that you suddenly want to draw the line at my skeleton boyfriend? //

Judges 4:4-8

Now Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lapidoth, was judging Israel at that time. And she would sit under the palm tree of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in the mountains of Ephraim. And the children of Israel came up to her for judgment. Then she sent and called for Barak the son of Abinoam from Kedesh in Naphtali, and said to him, “Has not the Lord God of Israel commanded, ‘Go and deploy troops at Mount Tabor; take with you ten thousand men of the sons of Naphtali and of the sons of Zebulun; and against you I will deploy Sisera, the commander of Jabin’s army, with his chariots and his multitude at the River Kishon; and I will deliver him into your hand’?”

And Barak said to her, “If you will go with me, then I will go; but if you will not go with me, I will not go!”

// no of course i for sure understand that it’s a logistical thing and honestly it’s on me that i didn’t ask sooner because i didn’t realize it was such a formal “thing” with like levels of permission and lists and so on

i think it’s actually just easier if i stay home too

no no no it’s FINE! honestly it’s easier for everyone and i hope you guys have a really great time //

Judges 7:2-8

And the Lord said to Gideon, “The people who are with you are too many for Me to give the Midianites into their hands, lest Israel claim glory for itself against Me, saying, ‘My own hand has saved me.’ Now therefore, proclaim in the hearing of the people, saying,  ‘Whoever is fearful and afraid, let him turn and depart at once from Mount Gilead.’” And twenty-two thousand of the people returned, and ten thousand remained.

But the Lord said to Gideon, “The people are still too many; bring them down to the water, and I will test them for you there.

// i mean i would describe all of my boyfriends as “tactically critical,” yeah probably

like i wouldn’t have brought any of them that weren’t important to me? so i guess i just fundamentally reject the premise of the question

wow you have seriously never stepped off the relationship escalator huh

no no by all means impose some external structures, they can self-select out if that doesn’t mesh with their interpersonal approach values, i trust them to make their own decisions here lmao

yes i trust “all” thirty-two thousand of them

the only number that matters in this situation is “more than two” but feel free to get hung up on “ //

1 Samuel 20:1-23

Then David fled from Naioth in Ramah, and went and said to Jonathan, “What have I done? What is my iniquity, and what is my sin before your father, that he seeks my life?”

So Jonathan said to him, “By no means! You shall not die! Indeed, my father will do nothing either great or small without first telling me. And why should my father hide this thing from me? It is not so!

Then David took an oath again, and said, “Your father certainly knows that I have found favor in your eyes, and he has said, ‘Do not let Jonathan know this, lest he be grieved.’ But truly, as the Lord lives and as your soul lives, there is but a step between me and death.”

So Jonathan said to David, “Whatever you yourself desire, I will do it for you.”

And David said to Jonathan, “Indeed tomorrow is the New Moon, and I should not fail to sit with the king to eat. But let me go, that I may hide in the field until the third day at evening. If your father misses me at all, then say, ‘David earnestly asked permission of me that he might run over to Bethlehem, his city, for there is a yearly sacrifice there for all the family.’ If he says thus: ‘It is well,’ your servant will be safe. But if he is very angry, be sure that evil is determined by him. Therefore you shall deal kindly with your servant, for you have brought your servant into a covenant of the Lord with you.”

// I mean I will just ASK him if he has a problem with you

obviously if I thought he had a problem with you I would have asked him myself

which is not to say that I’m trying to deny your experience of him //

well obviously if I didn’t think he had a problem with me I wouldn’t have asked? so I don’t really understand where this defensiveness is coming from

// it’s not defensiveness i’m just telling you that I know my father reasonably well lmao? like i have known him a pretty long time //

and i’m not questioning that i’m just trying to point out that maybe possibly your experience of your father is a little different than my experience with your father

// I get that! //

i know you get that

// and I’m doing it //

i know you are

and i appreciate it

// ok well maybe it would just be easier if you told me what you want to do and then i can just do it and then that way we won’t have to keep having this conversation //

i’m not trying to waste your time

// i never said that you were!! //

okay well why don’t i just go hide in a field and then if anyone MISSES me you can all come find me later

2 Samuel 2:3

And David brought up the men who were with him, every man with his household. So they dwelt in the cities of Hebron.

// uh last time I checked there was definitely room for all of them in the cities of Hebron

Matthew 26:36-41

Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples, “Sit here while I go and pray over there.” And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.”

He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed. Then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “What! Could you not watch with Me one hour? Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

// okay what is the point of asking whether my boyfriend can come with me if my BOYFRIEND does not actually COME WITH ME, PETER //

1 Corinthians 16:5-12

Now I will come to you when I pass through Macedonia (for I am passing through Macedonia). And it may be that I will remain, or even spend the winter with you, that you may send me on my journey, wherever I go. For I do not wish to see you now on the way; but I hope to stay a while with you, if the Lord permits.

But I will tarry in Ephesus until Pentecost. For a great and effective door has opened to me, and there are many adversaries.

And if Timothy comes, see that he may be with you without fear; for he does the work of the Lord, as I also do. Therefore let no one despise him. But send him on his journey in peace, that he may come to me; for I am waiting for him with the brethren.

Now concerning our brother Apollos, I strongly urged him to come to you with the brethren, but he was quite unwilling to come at this time; however, he will come when he has a convenient time.

// I mean Apollos has always wanted to meet you, it wasn’t a personal thing it was just a schedule thing? obviously I can’t talk about it much more right now because I’m in actual Macedonia (yes lmao like the for real Macedonia) but I will get to you when I get to you and I have a lot on my plate right now so if you could back off about this one thing and let me just bring Apollos I know you’re all going to love one another once you actually get to hang out in person okay I will WRITE AGAIN LATER I have to GO I am in MACEDONIA //

Titus 3:12-14

When I send Artemas to you, or Tychicus, be diligent to come to me at Nicopolis, for I have decided to spend the winter there. Send Zenas the lawyer and Apollos on their journey with haste, that they may lack nothing. And let our people also learn to maintain good works, to meet urgent needs, that they may not be unfruitful.

// no I don’t KNOW which boyfriend I’m going to need yet so just send them all to where I’m wintering and I will figure it out there, thank you for your input

and if you’ve got so much time on your hands that you have the energy to argue about how much stuff to send with Apollos why don’t you try cultivating fruitfulness and meeting a need or two? //

The Golden Calf in Art, In Order of Do I Love Her, Is She My Best Friend

Now when the people saw that Moses delayed coming down from the mountain, the people gathered together to Aaron, and said to him, “Come, make us gods that shall go before us; for as for this Moses, the man who brought us up out of the land of Egypt, we do not know what has become of him.”

And Aaron said to them, “Break off the golden earrings which are in the ears of your wives, your sons, and your daughters, and bring them to me.” So all the people broke off the golden earrings which were in their ears, and brought them to Aaron. And he received the gold from their hand, and he fashioned it with an engraving tool, and made a molded calf.

Then they said, “This is your god, O Israel, that brought you out of the land of Egypt!”

So when Aaron saw it, he built an altar before it. And Aaron made a proclamation and said, “Tomorrow is a feast to the Lord.” Then they rose early on the next day, offered burnt offerings, and brought peace offerings; and the people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play.

—Exodus 32:1-6

“If Moses is so great, why isn’t he here? We need something to LOOK AT. We need something to put the OBJECT in OBJECT PERMANENCE. Make us a little best friend everyone can look at. Make us a little cow until God gets back.”

I love her. Yes. A very veau trippant! One foot up, big dainty girl, she teeters over the dance, my good friend, the only cow here. Back is a big straight line with cow dropping down out of it.


Yes! Yes yes yes yes YES! Has real “The tiger / He has destroyed his cage / yes / YES / the tiger is out” energy. The floatcow is my friend YES


I love her, she is small, she is tidiest, she is covered in flowers. Be careful with God, she’s very little.


Yes, she is nervous, bring her a bowl of steam!! I love her and her big velvet nose and her warm skin, and I soothe her with sugar cubes and carrots. She is trying so hard to be God for the first time.

[de Caro]

She is so small and so alone and she needs us – the handful cow. She is my best friend.

[Nuremberg Chronicles]

She is a dog, she is a pony, she is relaxed, she is something, she is okay. She is the cow and she is okay.

[Hortus Deliciarum]

Yes she is good with Edward G. Robinson, together they are my best friends, sturdy friends, low center of gravity for friendship, beautiful eyes, sleek, luxury friends. Moses, do you want to pet God? It’s okay, she likes it.

[Edward G. Robinson]

You Are Not Getting A Pizza Party

You are not getting a pizza party. You are no longer getting a pizza party. Do you hear me? The pizza party is off. You were getting a pizza party, but now you’re not. Consider yourself fallen from a previous condition of pizza-party worthiness. The only relationship you have to a pizza party today is not anymore. Everyone else is getting a pizza party. You hear that next door? That’s their pizza party, just getting started. Yours is only getting further and further away. It’s gone already, but it’ll be even more gone five minutes from now; the gone-ness of your pizza party is simultaneously full and complete and perfect, yet ever-expanding, ever-increasing, ever-multiplying, too. Consider that pizza party of yours officially over. In fact, we’re making an exception for you, and making a note that you are never to receive a pizza party in future, no matter how exemplary your behavior is. Other rewards may come — other leaders, who were not here on this day to see your true venality, might be tempted to fête you — but the memory of this transgression will live forever. For you there will never be a pizza party. You lack the qualifications, the standing, the sponsor. No one will vouch for you. No one will unlock the door for you. No one will save you a slice for after in their napkin. Pizza-party-wise, you’re finished in this town. Do you hear me? You’re done. Maybe someday you’ll buy a pizza for yourself, but it won’t be the same. It won’t be a pizza party, and you won’t have earned it. None of you have.

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I Fed My Dog A Quail Egg

Because it's the smallest kind of egg, and he's the smallest kind of dog

Hey I just wanted you to know: Yesterday me and my good friend Ben got some quail eggs, because dogs usually like eggs, but my dog is really small, so it seems like he should have the smallest egg available, and there’s a place down the road that sells quail eggs, so things really just proceeded from there.

We got really hung up on the suggested Google searches for “can dogs eat quail eggs,” which included Do dogs know to be gentle with babies?, What dogs can hold an egg in their mouth?, Why do dogs know to be gentle with babies?', What happens if you put an egg in a dog’s mouth?, and Why are dogs careful with eggs?

And then, you know, as promised, here’s how it went trying to feed him the egg (very little amount):

So we had to break it in half for him. 3.6 pounds, half a quail’s egg, tough time. Have a great rest of your day, please.

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