Alexander Dumas on genital inconvenience, the division of mustard by sex, and dick-crazed turkeys

Herodotus on Horse Girls

There Was Like Eight Dollars of Jarlsberg In There: Andy's Boyfriend Nate Is Dizzy And Gasping Here In Hell

You There, Varlet!

What I Assume I'm Missing After A Lifetime Without Invitations To Join The Duke On His Pleasure Barge

The Problem With Murder Mysteries

Watership Down, from someone who's never read it

Elijah and the Seagulls

You and Me and Our First Years On T


December 2018

The Gift of the Gift of the Gift of the Magi

Stages Of Finding The Smell: An Interactive Text Game

Things One Can Say To People With Dogs In An Elevator

In The Unlikely Event I Change My Mind, I'd Like To Turn Twenty

The Musical Chicago, But A Baked Potato

If You Did Anything As A Child You're Gay Now

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! How DELICIOUS – It's every character you find in an 18th-century period film!

A Corresponding Bible Verse For Every Moira Rose Quote From "Schitt's Creek"

Someone Left Their Keys In The Men's Room

Potential Names For My Short-Lived Queer Suiting Company That Will Fold Under Mysterious Circumstances Eight Months After Launching

Paul's First Letter To The Corinthians, Chapters 5-7

O-Ho-Ho, My Lady, Never You Mind All That, I Wouldn't Dream Of Saying A Word Of This To The Master Of The House

November 2018

You Want To Pet The Big Cow: An Interactive Text-Based Game

My Liege! I Did Not - That Is To Say - I Had No Idea You Were Here!

Le Roman de Silence

I Was Not Prepared For The Wreck-It Ralph Sequel To Essentially Replicate The Tim/Marina/Jenny Subplot From Season One of The L Word

Things I Have Mistaken For Forward Momentum In My Personal Life Between The Years 1998-Present

Remaking Rebecca and Mrs. Van Hopper Stunt Casting

The Opposite of Bisexual Culture

Learning To Play Bridge

Reasons For Transitioning, In Order of Validity

Why It's Impossible For You To Ruin The Holidays

Panic, Accidents, and Revelations: The Only Three Ways To Introduce A Recipe In A Cookbook

Annie Dillard And A Moth In Dialogue

People's Sexiest Man Alive: Idris Elba

Things My Chest Feels Like Three Months After Top Surgery

Possible Dinnertimes, In Order Of Moral Laxity

October 2018

Joan Didion and Jane Fonda Trapped In A Waldorf Salad

Everything That's Wrong With The Cambrian Explosion

Emotionally Muted Meals In Barbara Pym's "Excellent Women," In Order Of Sexlessness

Dirtbag Gilgamesh and Ishtar: Tablet Six

Every Time A Woman Nervously Adjusts A Glove In Mary McCarthy's "The Group"

Things That Aren't As Good As Nicotine Gum: An Inexhaustive List In Dialogue Form

Bible Verses Where "Brothers and Sisters" Has Been Replaced With "Women and Femmes"

How Did You Respond To Learning That Andrea Dworkin's Widower Was Managing Editor Of The AARP Magazine For Eight Years?

I Can't See Movies Without Getting Furious Because I Don't Believe Anthony Hopkins' Alfred Hitchcock Was Memorable Enough To Justify This Kind of Afterlife

Movie Yelling With Grace and Danny: A Star Is Born and the Laws of Conservation of Energy

"Helen," by H.D.

Nora Ephron's "I Feel Bad About My Neck," Transmasculine Edition

The Daily Coffee-Cup Regret Index

Jacob and the Angel: Wrasslin' Til Noon At Least

Moments While Rewatching "Center Stage" I Was Overwhelmed With The Desire To Touch My Own Toes

Liz Taylor's Marriages, Ranked In Order Of T4T Energy

I Have Added A Soupçon of Water To Your Dishwashing Soap

July 2018

"Have a great summer, keep in touch, stay cool": See you all next week

"I've Got Chills": Dream acceleration a week out from top surgery

Powerful Medicines, Ranked

Everything What's Distinctual About A London'd Fox From Regularized Foxuals

American-on-American Action Abroad: Sorry For Travel Writing At You

Please Accept My Application To Become Steve From Sex And The City

Joan Didion And Anna Wintour Dismantle Vogue And Establish A Religious Confraternity

May 2018

Dirtbag Catullus

Helen and Paris at Breakfast

Dirtbag Sappho

Paul Bettany Always Looks Like He's About To Crumble To Death With A Gentle Smile

How To Tell If You Are In A Mary Renault Novel

Joan Didion Congratulates Anna Wintour On Being Tasked With Rooting Out Heresy

Paul's First Letter to the Thessalonians

"A Frigid, Protestant Anaïs Nin": A Bibliography

April 2018

Things People Say In Old Movies In Order To Prevent Another Character From Discussing Their Feelings For Even A Second

The Several Mortes d'Arthur

Things Brash, Horse-Loving Spinster Sisters Of Romantically Dour Protagonists Have Unnecessarily Died Of In Technicolor Melodramas

Russian Authors I Have Never Technically Lied About Yet Always Feel Uncomfortable Discussing: A Series Of Frenzied Internal Monologue

How To Do Laundry

A Dialogue Between Herodias And The Daughter Of Herodias, Concerning John The Baptist

How To Take A Shower

First Letter To The Corinthians

Things I Imagine Joni Mitchell To Have Plausibly Said At Some Point Despite Never Really Engaging With Her Work

March 2018

The Boxcar Children


The Lion In Winter and Midsomer Murders

Merry Spinster Book Tour Dates

A Letter From Chris Kimball

Joan Didion Discovers Susan Sontag And Lesbianism

Impulses I Have Had To Restrain This Year

The Stages Of Realizing You Are Late

February 2018

Bible Verses I Have Quoted To My Dog, To No Effect

Counterfactual History Books I Would Like To Read

Two Monks Invent Music

Movies That Would Be Improved If They Ended With The Protagonist Choosing To Date Doctor Keanu Reeves In A Cozy Sweater

Joan Didion Runs Through Her Enemies List

What Which Character You Think You Are On The Good Place Says About You

Captain Kirk And Emily Dickinson, Two Legendary Spinster Icons


December 2017

Marcus Aurelius Prepares For The New Year

A Series Of Increasingly Obscure Forgotten Brontë Siblings

It's the end of the world up here

Persuasion, or: Those Assholes

Gentlemen! My Ward!

Details I Would Pepper Into The Background Of My Regency-Era Romance To Trick Readers Into Thinking I Had A Thorough Understanding Of The Period When In Fact It's Just A 400-Year Jumble Of Half-Remembered Facts From AP European History

I don't understand the Wars of the Roses

Anna Wintour, Lord Of Misrule

November 2017

Frasier Episode Descriptions I Dreamed Last Night

The Shatner Chatner has moved


Coming December 7th...

People's Sexiest Man Alive

I'm not attracted to Jeff Goldblum and I'm not sure I'll ever finish quitting smoking

You're Norman Mailer! Can you make it out of this cocktail party without stabbing your wife?

May 2017

andrew lloyd webber sends a text message (OR the adventures of webbsy and steve)

this hoodie almost fits me, plus an update

I just saw the series finale of the Golden Girls for the first time but accidentally thought it was an episode from season two and was not emotionally prepared

A moratorium on villainous eating

Evelyn Waugh eats the bananas

Mark Ronson's hubris and my problem with almost-singing men

Lieutenant, you would do me an enormous favor if you stopped calling me sir.