When I’m at the dentist, I’m a big beautiful horse, mouth soft, snort to show spiritedness restrained, teeth out for human reasons, which are not my re…
Daniel Lavery
you figure out why
Daniel Lavery
I like to think I have grown out of a reflexive fixation on British quirkiness, that strange combination of mascotization, obsessive pigtail-pulling, a…
Daniel Lavery
Originally: The Metamorphosis. Previously (and almost a year to the day!): I am the horrible goose that lives in the town. “I am the horrible creeping …
Daniel Lavery
The moment you find yourself asking “Hey, is it cool if I bring my boyfriend?” you have already lost; you refer to him as “my boyfriend” because you kn…
Daniel Lavery
Now when the people saw that Moses delayed coming down from the mountain, the people gathered together to Aaron, and said to him, “Come, make us gods t…
Daniel Lavery
You are not getting a pizza party. You are no longer getting a pizza party. Do you hear me? The pizza party is off. You were getting a pizza party, but…
Daniel Lavery
Because it's the smallest kind of egg, and he's the smallest kind of dog
Daniel Lavery
Not for nothing did a very handsome man recently pronounce Bon-Bon a “chick magnet,” but the demographic he most reliably sweeps the boards with are ol…
Daniel Lavery
Your name is Anthony Soprano. The year is 2004, and you are listening to Bille Joe Armstrong sing “American Idiot” on your Philips Expanium combination…
Daniel Lavery
I’ve written recently about my intentions to increase substantially in ‘male shagginess’ in 2020, and much as I might like to confine myself to general…
Daniel Lavery
The Sopranos is a show about a woman who cannot calm her husband down, no matter how much ham is in the fridge. He is absolutely furious with crime, th…
Daniel Lavery