Bible Verses Best Paraphrased As "Hey, Is It Cool If I Bring My Boyfriend"

The moment you find yourself asking “Hey, is it cool if I bring my boyfriend?” you have already lost; you refer to him as “my boyfriend” because you know he couldn’t get in on the strength of his name alone, because if he were already welcome then you wouldn’t have to ask, and if they already knew him, you would have used his name. You have also capped the maximal possible warmth of your friends’ response at “I consent.” You know, already, that it is not exactly cool, but goddamnit if you don’t want him there, just the same. You motherfuckers can eat your goddamn hearts out. I’m getting mine. It is that particular combination of social shame and sexual pride that makes Can-my-boyfriend-come? one of the all-time great passive-aggressive gambits for the chaos agent committed to plausible deniability — How long can you keep that stupid smile on your face while I lick his?

Obviously they’re going to say yes. But who’s going to break first? And when’s your boyfriend going to figure out that he’s “my boyfriend” to them?

Genesis 18:23-33

And Abraham came near and said, “Would You also destroy the righteous with the wicked? Suppose there were fifty righteous within the city; would You also destroy the place and not spare it for the fifty righteous that were in it? Far be it from You to do such a thing as this, to slay the righteous with the wicked, so that the righteous should be as the wicked; far be it from You! Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right?”

So the Lord said, “If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes.”

Then Abraham answered and said, “Indeed now, I who am but dust and ashes have taken it upon myself to speak to the Lord: Suppose there were five less than the fifty righteous; would You destroy all of the city for lack of five?”

So He said, “If I find there forty-five, I will not destroy it…

Then he said, “Let not the Lord be angry, and I will speak but once more: Suppose ten should be found there?”

And He said, “I will not destroy it for the sake of ten.” So the Lord went His way as soon as He had finished speaking with Abraham; and Abraham returned to his place.

// okay so what if I only brought ten of them with me

could i bring them then

i mean before you answer i do think it’s fair to acknowledge that you JUST said you would leave them alone if i had 20 boyfriends

so like do bear that in mind //


Exodus 13:19

And Moses took the bones of Joseph with him, for he had placed the children of Israel under solemn oath, saying, “God will surely visit you, and you shall carry up my bones from here with you.”

// everybody just hang tight, my skeleton boyfriend wants to come too

it’ll take ten extra seconds? at most?? and also I promised him that he could come?? and all my alive boyfriends are already coming so it’s really weird that you suddenly want to draw the line at my skeleton boyfriend? //


Judges 4:4-8

Now Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lapidoth, was judging Israel at that time. And she would sit under the palm tree of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in the mountains of Ephraim. And the children of Israel came up to her for judgment. Then she sent and called for Barak the son of Abinoam from Kedesh in Naphtali, and said to him, “Has not the Lord God of Israel commanded, ‘Go and deploy troops at Mount Tabor; take with you ten thousand men of the sons of Naphtali and of the sons of Zebulun; and against you I will deploy Sisera, the commander of Jabin’s army, with his chariots and his multitude at the River Kishon; and I will deliver him into your hand’?”

And Barak said to her, “If you will go with me, then I will go; but if you will not go with me, I will not go!”

// no of course i for sure understand that it’s a logistical thing and honestly it’s on me that i didn’t ask sooner because i didn’t realize it was such a formal “thing” with like levels of permission and lists and so on

i think it’s actually just easier if i stay home too

no no no it’s FINE! honestly it’s easier for everyone and i hope you guys have a really great time //


Judges 7:2-8

And the Lord said to Gideon, “The people who are with you are too many for Me to give the Midianites into their hands, lest Israel claim glory for itself against Me, saying, ‘My own hand has saved me.’ Now therefore, proclaim in the hearing of the people, saying,  ‘Whoever is fearful and afraid, let him turn and depart at once from Mount Gilead.’” And twenty-two thousand of the people returned, and ten thousand remained.

But the Lord said to Gideon, “The people are still too many; bring them down to the water, and I will test them for you there.

// i mean i would describe all of my boyfriends as “tactically critical,” yeah probably

like i wouldn’t have brought any of them that weren’t important to me? so i guess i just fundamentally reject the premise of the question

wow you have seriously never stepped off the relationship escalator huh

no no by all means impose some external structures, they can self-select out if that doesn’t mesh with their interpersonal approach values, i trust them to make their own decisions here lmao

yes i trust “all” thirty-two thousand of them

the only number that matters in this situation is “more than two” but feel free to get hung up on “ //


1 Samuel 20:1-23

Then David fled from Naioth in Ramah, and went and said to Jonathan, “What have I done? What is my iniquity, and what is my sin before your father, that he seeks my life?”

So Jonathan said to him, “By no means! You shall not die! Indeed, my father will do nothing either great or small without first telling me. And why should my father hide this thing from me? It is not so!

Then David took an oath again, and said, “Your father certainly knows that I have found favor in your eyes, and he has said, ‘Do not let Jonathan know this, lest he be grieved.’ But truly, as the Lord lives and as your soul lives, there is but a step between me and death.”

So Jonathan said to David, “Whatever you yourself desire, I will do it for you.”

And David said to Jonathan, “Indeed tomorrow is the New Moon, and I should not fail to sit with the king to eat. But let me go, that I may hide in the field until the third day at evening. If your father misses me at all, then say, ‘David earnestly asked permission of me that he might run over to Bethlehem, his city, for there is a yearly sacrifice there for all the family.’ If he says thus: ‘It is well,’ your servant will be safe. But if he is very angry, be sure that evil is determined by him. Therefore you shall deal kindly with your servant, for you have brought your servant into a covenant of the Lord with you.”

// I mean I will just ASK him if he has a problem with you

obviously if I thought he had a problem with you I would have asked him myself

which is not to say that I’m trying to deny your experience of him //

well obviously if I didn’t think he had a problem with me I wouldn’t have asked? so I don’t really understand where this defensiveness is coming from

// it’s not defensiveness i’m just telling you that I know my father reasonably well lmao? like i have known him a pretty long time //

and i’m not questioning that i’m just trying to point out that maybe possibly your experience of your father is a little different than my experience with your father

// I get that! //

i know you get that

// and I’m doing it //

i know you are

and i appreciate it

// ok well maybe it would just be easier if you told me what you want to do and then i can just do it and then that way we won’t have to keep having this conversation //

i’m not trying to waste your time

// i never said that you were!! //

okay well why don’t i just go hide in a field and then if anyone MISSES me you can all come find me later


2 Samuel 2:3

And David brought up the men who were with him, every man with his household. So they dwelt in the cities of Hebron.

// uh last time I checked there was definitely room for all of them in the cities of Hebron


Matthew 26:36-41

Then Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to the disciples, “Sit here while I go and pray over there.” And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee, and He began to be sorrowful and deeply distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even to death. Stay here and watch with Me.”

He went a little farther and fell on His face, and prayed. Then He came to the disciples and found them sleeping, and said to Peter, “What! Could you not watch with Me one hour? Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

// okay what is the point of asking whether my boyfriend can come with me if my BOYFRIEND does not actually COME WITH ME, PETER //


1 Corinthians 16:5-12

Now I will come to you when I pass through Macedonia (for I am passing through Macedonia). And it may be that I will remain, or even spend the winter with you, that you may send me on my journey, wherever I go. For I do not wish to see you now on the way; but I hope to stay a while with you, if the Lord permits.

But I will tarry in Ephesus until Pentecost. For a great and effective door has opened to me, and there are many adversaries.

And if Timothy comes, see that he may be with you without fear; for he does the work of the Lord, as I also do. Therefore let no one despise him. But send him on his journey in peace, that he may come to me; for I am waiting for him with the brethren.

Now concerning our brother Apollos, I strongly urged him to come to you with the brethren, but he was quite unwilling to come at this time; however, he will come when he has a convenient time.

// I mean Apollos has always wanted to meet you, it wasn’t a personal thing it was just a schedule thing? obviously I can’t talk about it much more right now because I’m in actual Macedonia (yes lmao like the for real Macedonia) but I will get to you when I get to you and I have a lot on my plate right now so if you could back off about this one thing and let me just bring Apollos I know you’re all going to love one another once you actually get to hang out in person okay I will WRITE AGAIN LATER I have to GO I am in MACEDONIA //


Titus 3:12-14

When I send Artemas to you, or Tychicus, be diligent to come to me at Nicopolis, for I have decided to spend the winter there. Send Zenas the lawyer and Apollos on their journey with haste, that they may lack nothing. And let our people also learn to maintain good works, to meet urgent needs, that they may not be unfruitful.

// no I don’t KNOW which boyfriend I’m going to need yet so just send them all to where I’m wintering and I will figure it out there, thank you for your input

and if you’ve got so much time on your hands that you have the energy to argue about how much stuff to send with Apollos why don’t you try cultivating fruitfulness and meeting a need or two? //