How To Play Video Games For The First Time In Fifteen Years

  1. Play the last game you played when you were 17 or so

  2. Hang on, does Croc still exist?

  3. It was the Legend of the Gobbos! Man, those were cute.

  4. the fuck is a PC

  5. Go further back. Maybe when you were 12?

  6. Ahh, that’s the business.

  7. Pause every level or so to google the name of the level you’re currently playing + “how to complete”

  8. Allow a friend who has played video games in the last 4 years to persuade you to play an updated 3D version of the last video game you played (Donkey Kong Country)

  9. This is terrifying??

  10. Pause the game to give your heart rate a chance to come down

  11. Pause the game to explain to your friend that “this used to work if you pressed A”

  12. Wait for your friend to say, “You’re right, you did used to be able to stay on the vine if you pressed A just once instead of ZR + ZL the whole time – let me fix that for you.”

  13. Why is this seal so angry with you??

  14. WHY IS THIS SEAL SO ANGRY WITH YOU?

  15. Scream or at the very least gasp every time you A. Jump, B. Fall, C. Die, D. See something you haven’t seen yet

  16. Scream the word “ASS” involuntarily whenever something happens that you didn’t expect

  17. Collapse involuntarily whenever you finish something

  18. Mute the game because battle music is too stressful

  19. Start playing an ambient-noise Youtube channel because playing a video game in silence is too unnerving

  20. Start playing a Youtube channel of someone else playing Super Mario World because those sounds are familiar and comforting, and make a nice overlay with “Rain & Thunderstorm & Fireplace Sounds 10 Hours | Cozy Cabin”

  21. This isn’t fair

  22. My pinkies hurt from holding the bottom of the handhold aloft

  23. Can someone fix that?

  24. Say “I died again” in outraged tones until your friend fixes something

  25. Say “This was the level where I used to hand off the controller to my friend’s brother so he would battle the boss for me” until your friend volunteers to battle the boss for you

  26. No, I don’t want to play Animal Crossing

  27. I only want to play video games I’ve already played

  28. I DIED AGAIN!!!!

  29. Hide the game, to punish it for being unfair to you

  30. After a few hours, pick the game back up and ask if it’s sorry yet

  31. “You have to be fair to me now”

  32. “I’m sorry I put you in time-out, but do you understand why I had to do it?”

  33. “That’s not how we treat each other in this house.”

  34. I only want to play levels I’ve already beaten in games I’ve already played at least fifteen, preferably twenty years ago

  35. PAUSE PAUSE PAUSE

  36. Does anyone have an older brother I can borrow who will finish this level for me

  37. Is there an all-errands version of Ocarina of Time on this console where I can just rescue Cuccos in Kakariko Village and sell masks to people?

  38. Hide yourself for a few hours, to punish yourself for being so mean to the game

  39. Apologize tenderly to the game, then turn it off and hold it like a baby for ten minutes or so

  40. Maybe take a walk.

  41. Maybe walk this off.

  42. Maybe try this again in another fifteen years