"Choked to death on your generation’s inability to imagine a convincing future!" cut a little too close
to be distinguished from terminal langur, a rather more 1735 way to die wherein, as a junior representative of the East India Company, you lose a fight to the death with a monkey while trying to impress a 12 year old Maharajah in an effort to lure him to your side and open up his ports to British trade. The fight was cleverly arranged by his grandmother/regent, who, having noticed the signs of advanced scurvy upon you, knew you wouldn't last a minute against the hungry and well-trained primate.
A long time later Kipling hears of your tale. He tries in vain for many years to write a story which recasts you as a hero, but eventually gives up.
This needs to be a tag yourself meme
I'm "so confused by the sights of Paris at midnight that you accidentally murdered an honest shepherdess with a train instead of marrying her"
I'll take PAROXYSMS BROUGHT ON BY NON-SPECIFIC VICE for a thousand, Daniel.