More Dirtbag Catullus

Previously in Dirtbag Catullus: My girlfriend, my girlfriend’s bird, my ex-girlfriend. [Originals here].

7

I WILL NEVER GET TIRED OF KISSING

I WILL NEVER GET TIRED OF KISSING!!! You keep asking “Where’s the limit,” but the limit does not exist; you can’t run out of desert in Libya and Cyrene keeps growing laserwort, Jupiter won’t stop turning himself into cows for the purpose of fuck-promoting,
and who can forget what happened to that one Arcadian who lied about cows?
But the stars saw, and Hermes too, so you can lie too much about cows
but you can’t kiss me too often, as far as I’m concerned,
I will never!!! get tired!!! of kissing!
My girlfriend invented lesbianism and we invented kissing
and counting is impossible now, math’s cancelled,
because everyone’s lips are busy,
we’re past counting, past witchcraft, past jealousy, past stopping,
no one’s keeping score or blocking a hook-up,
that old shit’s OUT, kissing’s IN.


11

ALL RIGHT SO

you can dump my love and fucking plow it under with the spring crop,
turn it into oats or barley, hay or wheat,
let Lesbia start cultivating olives or figs or whatever she’s into these days
seeing as how she’s finished so decisively with love (specifically mine)

and here’s the deal: wherever my travels end up taking me,
no matter how far away —
and it does look like I’ll be traveling pretty far away —
so far it upsets the mind to think about, Britain-far,

maybe slug it over the Alps like Hannibal,
bury myself in the Nile,
fall off the map past India where the ocean resolves into a great global heartbeat,
wherever, if you were willing to travel that far with me,

test the gods, spoil the Fates, just to share my loneliness,
if you can think of anything to say to Lesbia beforehand
that would really hurt her feelings, ruin her day,
that would be ideal.

I’m kidding!! I hope she has an amazing time with everyone else,
everyone she’s so into, but like — she’s so into everyone all at once it’s kind of the same
as if she’s not into anyone because no one qualifies for individualistic treatment???

SORRY IF THAT’S “POLY SHAMING” OR WHATEVER!!!!
it just turns out there’s definitely such thing as too much kissing
like we found out the exact number that’s too much
and it turns out that’s her favorite number!! anyhow I’m moving to Egypt, or wherever Parthia is.


15

ABSOLUTELY SHOULD HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON THE LAST TIME

with regards to friends and whoever I’m dating but I thought I’d check in
because just in case one of you had a value,
I’d appreciate it if you could do me one favor, just one, for the first (last??) time,
again just if you want to, for the sake of novelty, do something honorable for a friend,
I’d appreciate it if you took a break from hitting on my boyfriend,
you and your frankly terrifying dick are a problem,
not just for me but for, like, the citizens of Rome,
it’s a matter of public health, civic welfare, commonweal,
dick without limits! dick without foresight! dick without discernment!

Which is essentially a dick without dick qualities — you know?
A dick needs limits to be a dick; in order for a dick to be big it has to end somewhere.
So do me a favor and spend some time maybe figuring out what your dick isn’t.
It can’t be everything! Or everywhere!
Can’t be in everyone at once!
(Did you know that? Because sometimes it seems like maybe you don’t know that.)


48

I’M INTO KISSING AGAIN

FORGET EVERYTHING I SAID BEFORE! Listen: Juventius, if I could kiss
your eyes? Your honeypot eyes, globe-sweet? Let me AT IT,
quarter-million times, easy no question; I will never get sick of this!!!
kindly do not attempt to remind me of anything I might have said
about kissing in the past! you will be MUTED!
I was not kissing Juventius then! It didn’t count!
I’m kissing Juventius now! EVERYTHING’S KISSING AND I’M JUVENTIUS


92

the REASON Lesbia is always talking shit about me,
why she can’t stop bringing me up is because if she DOESN’T, she’s worried she’ll never hear my name again. (still VERY happy with Juventius, personally, no interest in swapping THERE)

Shit-talking keeps love alive. Everyone’s living rent-free
in the same place; we’ve all got the same absentee landlord,
please feel absolutely free to kill me if I’m wrong! Slice me up, whatever,
but I’m not wrong; I know a close neighbor when I see one.
Hi bitch!!! Hate you too!!