I am definitely writing all of these characters into my D&D campaign.
I am not being superlativey when I say this is my favorite thing I ever read in the history of everything. Especially this: "walks faster holding a candelabra" I mean COME ON! It's so perfect.
Well. “Tragic Squidward” broke me. You win. Take my money.
"spiritually wearing an eyepatch"
This is absolute perfection.