Twice a year I like to give myself a little treat and Become Ill. This provides a welcome break for my enemies and a useful reminder of the fallibility of the body to my allies. I celebrate by taking to my couch and texting everyone I have ever met minute-by-minute updates on my condition, to teach them that life is stern and life is earnest and that I need someone to bring me crackers. The following are the only ten remedies I have ever applied to a malady of the flesh. None of them work – nothing works – but they do pass the time, and there’s something to be said for that.