The Entire Series Run Of Frasier Where Everything's The Same But Frasier Is Now, Very Obviously, A Centaur
|Daniel Lavery||May 7, 2019|| 23||3|
First, a few rules:
Yes, this means Kelsey Grammer himself is also a centaur.
From the Folóï oak forest.
He only has one dick, on the horse part, and it is covered by a modesty sling.
Niles is regular.
Eddie and the horse part of Frasier get along fine.
Absolutely nothing else about the show’s dialogue or stage direction is different. The only change is that you, the viewer, now know Frasier is a centaur – son of Nephele and Ixion, born of shapeshifting and trickery, torn between two natures, lustful, ox-horned, enemy of the Lapiths, a bride-thief, both chariot and charioteer, a carouser, a lettered delinquent, a leering Dionysian, foster-father to Achilles, bestial, learned, shirtless, a wine-drunk sage, the most civilized of the barbarians and the most barbaric citizen.
“Chess Pains,” Season 3
FRASIER: [Showing his antique chess set to Niles] Paris, 1882, designed by Jean-Francois Blon, while attending L’Ecole des Beaux Arts!
NILES: Mon Dieu! It's absolutely breathtaking! I'm breathless!
[Frasier is part horse.]
NILES: I need to take a breath.
“Crane vs. Crane,” Season 3
MARTIN: Why are you walking funny?
FRASIER [A centaur]: Well, suffice it to say, today I learned it is unwise to slide repeatedly down a fire pole wearing woolen trousers.
“A Lilith Thanksgiving,” Season 4
FRASIER: My God, are you half as nervous as I am?
LILITH: And then some.
FRASIER: We have got to master our nerves. It is vital that we appear to be well-adjusted, responsible parents. Lilith, do you still keep the Valium with the contraceptives?
LILITH: Sorry, I needed the last one just to go in and pick up the application.
FRASIER: I'll assume you meant the Valium.
[N.B. During that last scene, you should have imagined that Frasier said ‘Horse Valium’ instead of just regular Valium.]
“My Fair Frasier,” Season 5
FRASIER: I did not get a booty call!...What is a booty call?
DAPHNE: It's a late-night call inviting you to meet, but with the true goal of just having sex.
FRASIER [Half horse, half man]: Oh God! I did get a booty call.
“The Three Faces of Frasier,” Season 7
Martin: Listen, if Niles isn’t coming, maybe you can tell us what the big surprise is?
Frasier: Oh, all right, I'll spill. For over sixty years, Stefano’s has immortalized Seattle’s famous faces on its walls, as you can see. With one notable exception.
The rest stare at him, confused.
Frasier: It’s me! Stefano's unveiling the portrait today.
Daphne: Oh, how wonderful.
Stefano comes over with a board under a cloth.
Stefano: Okay, Dr. Crane. Here it is.
Frasier: My portrait!
Stefano: Would you like to say a few words, or something?
Frasier: Well, if you insist.
Frasier (a centaur) stands and takes out prepared speech cards from his breast pocket.
Frasier: Before we unveil this picture, permit me to paint one of my own. A picture of a young Frasier Crane, wide-eyed, gazing at the walls of Stefano’s and wondering, “Who’s that?” Well, little did I suspect that one day my picture would be on the wall and perhaps now other children will come in, gaze at it and wonder, “Who’s that?”
Martin: I bet that’s going to happen a lot!
Frasier: So, thank you, Stefano, for this honor.
Stefano: Thank you, for suggesting it. And now, I present, Il Dotoré, Dr. Frasier Crane!
Stefano pulls back the cloth to reveal a caricature of Frasier. His forehead is exaggerated greatly. Everyone is laughing except a shocked Frasier.
“The Doctor Is Out,” Season 11
It's evening, and Frasier and Niles are walking home together. Niles is back in his suit, but Frasier is still in his squash togs, and his stride is extremely short.
NILES: Can't you walk any faster?
FRASIER [Who has four legs, and the lower half of a horse]: I'm moving as fast as I can in these ridiculous shorts of yours.
NILES: Well, you wouldn't need them if you hadn't burst out of your own.
FRASIER: I did not burst out of them. My laundress simply over-bleached them until they had the tensile strength of a cobweb. If you're in such a hurry you should have brought your own car.