The Only Traveling Advice I Will Ever Give Y…

I have only ever given one piece of universal advice, which is that if you are ever offered your choice of a beverage during a job interview, you should take it, because whether or not you are offered the job will never depend upon your not having imposed upon the office manager for getting you a cup of coffee. It’s a free drink! You should take it. After years of careful consideration, I would like to add a second piece, bringing the total of absolute truths I’m aware of to exactly two: If you travel any distance – even merely outside the city limits of your hometown – you must be prepared to meet an Australian person. I will develop this further: You must prepare yourself for an Australian person to talk to you, to offer only the vaguest background information as to why they are so far from Australia, and to have no discernible occupation or plans to return to their home country. In my admittedly limited travel experience, from which I am prepared to extrapolate wildly, all Australian people are on vacation an average of 400 days a year, and prefer to spend that time talking to Americans about carpentry, their future travel plans, national monuments, and the supplement/fake cold remedy Emergen-C. If you have ever filled a Ziploc baggie with multivitamins in preparation for a trip, you have just upped the odds of running into your Australian. I don’t make the rules, I just work here.

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