You Are In Prison Awaiting God And England's Judgments! Are You Truly Joan of Arc?

[Trial transcripts.]

Someone shows you a dish of pudding, would you like it?

A. In this as in other things I seek only the salvation of my soul

B. You have my reply to that — I will not tell you more — I am silent, pudding-wise, I’ll slop up no bowl-contents into my French mouth, no matter if ten or ten thousand Héberts should tell me otherwise!

C. I will go without wine til Easter for St. Catherine’s sake and your pudding-bag bulges not for this French throat

D. Your pudding seethes with a perilous heat for Charles, the hearty son of Christendom and France’s most

Would you like to sit in a chair?

A. A chair — you lunch-hearted churl! Bed me up in Hell better!

B. No Frenchman will set leg to chair until God’s rightful dauphin is seated upon the only chair that matters — the chair of Charlemagne!

C. A chair is bad safety for me, the haircut waif

D. Of my godmothers, one was named Agnes, another Jeanne, another Sibylle, of my godfathers Jean Lingué, another Jean Barrey, and several more besides; I have never known any of them, nor any that were baptized in the church of Domrémy, that they did sit in a chair in England.

Do you repent?

A. NEVER

B. How can I repent outside of confession? And have I not offered to speak you my Credo and my Paternoster in French? And how might I repent of my own French king, my own French tongue, my own beloved Sts. Catherine and Margaret, also in French, and still call myself a child of Paris?

C. Gentlemen and doctors of the church, to you I shall answer truly, but that which has been given to me by God is not for an earthly vessel to repent of — Pass on.

D. I’m Johnny All-Pants and No Regretment and I came to England to wear pants and kill Englishmen

What think you of the duke of Burgundy — a puissant prince or nay?

A. Philip will lose himself within the tangled skeins of the Hundredyear wars, and not all the daughters of Portugal may pluck him out of it!

B. I know only Charles for a bold and puissant prince of God’s fashioning.

C. A brigand and a Hussite! Evil spirits and slander, bound by heretical error. Puissant! Philip? More like a fetchless little fumble from the gods!

D. Of this Duke I say nothing; God has stopped my mouth to speak of Dukes. My concern is with kings and kings alone.

How do you feel for a dress?

A. I’ll not take it, not on your counsel nor on any man’s neither; not at Robert’s nor the Duke of Orleans, saving his presence, and do not blaspheme God nor his saints, I am content with what the angels give me!

B. It becomes me not! A dress misliketh my skin!

C. Not for a dress did I win a sword in Paris!

D. You have put a demon in it and I am going to St. Catherine

Answers

A. YOU ARE JOAN OF ARC AND YOU KNOW THE AGE OF EVERY SAINT: FRANCE

B. Oh my gentle darling, you are Jean d’aRq and you are France’s only boy and God made you a boy and God made a king for your best friend and God made you a cape of crimson velvet and a scabbard of strong leather and you will wear fire before you wear a dress again

C. You are a sword and a sword cannot repent

D. Yes yes yes for my intention — so eager to absolve, you priests in Rouen — put more armies in my mouth —